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Lighthearted Ranking of the Pac 12 - Week 9

DevilDiverDown

Well-Known Member
Dec 13, 2013
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If you don't like this week's rankings, please take it up with El Niño...

1) Stanford: Let’s just be honest with ourselves – not sure we’d have a new team atop the rankings even if Wazzu hadn’t Coug’d it. As often happens to teams on Halloween, Stanford came dressed as someone else – an ACME knock-off version of a Playoff contender. By mid-1st quarter, you wanted to check their uniforms for “Made in China” tags. Their helmets probably contained lead paint and they played like kids who’d consumed tainted paint chips for years. SuperSoph Christian McCaffrey arrived (and remained) as Clark Kent, out-rushed by QB Kevin Hogan, who might have been out-thrown by McCaffrey or anyone else given a chance to throw the ball for the Trees. Hogan couldn’t hit water from a boat and turned the ball over twice early against a surprising Wazzu defense. You just knew it’d be one of those nights where a team would have to grind out a win in Pullman. Among the very unStanford-like factors in the game: an anemic 4 of 13 on 3rd down conversions – largely because they were consistently in 3rd and long due to ineptitude on early downs. The Cardinal OL – which has been consistently solid and often spectacular – was ineffective. Up next: Furd travels to Boulder for an early game. Shades of their early game and lame start against Northwestern? Hopefully not, since they’re the Pac’s sole chance for a CFB Playoff slot. Those prospects look grim with last week’s effort, though, and the perception garnered from it.

2) USC: A year removed from the Pac 12 (and mainly the South) being one of the most respected conferences in CFB, this year’s mediocrity could cost a 1-loss conference champ a slot in the Playoffs. USC is a reluctant choice for the #2 slot, but it’s hard to justify anyone else really. The Trojans are like a newborn fawn, just realizing the power to stand and run. The offense is dangerous at times, and cannot get out of its own way at others. They are less scary with JuJu’s hand injury, but only because interim coach Clay Helton is afraid to fully commit to the run – even with the RBs he has at his disposal. I don’t think Kessler is anything more than a decent veteran system QB, so I’d run the ball to wear down opposing defenses and keep the streaky Trojan D off the field (and out of backpedal mode). Maybe I should throw my hat in the ring for USC head coach – Helton is the players’ favorite and they’re unlikely to hit the 6-run HR their boosters want, plus it would pay far better than this blog ranking. Up next: USC rolls to its 3rd straight win with a chance to look world-class in every phase of the game, when they host the hapless Truckstop U Wil_cats.

3) Utah: I’m not sure I’ve seen a less inspiring team lead the South division this late in the season. Actually, I’m quite sure. They’re like vanilla sprinkles on top of vanilla soft serve frozen treat – not ice cream, mind you, but the crap that places like Dairy Queen tries to pass off and gives you the squirts – in a wafer cone. Still, solid physical play and defense has been enough to elevate the Utes to a position atop bottom-feeders and mediocre teams. So, congratulations Utards, I guess, on being this year’s leading candidate to taking the South’s annual curbstomping in the Pac 12 CCG. Call it scheduling serendipity but there’s a very real chance that Utah could’ve lost back-to-back weeks if Saturday’s opponent had been anyone but the Beavers – a team they didn’t wrestle control of the game from until the mid 4th quarter. I miss the Utes in their role as South Division Punching Bag, but they might be there again next season after they lose Booker and Wilson, and possibly Whittingham. Up next: A roadie against the Huskies in Seattle, where Utah will look like world beaters compared to UofA, who limped home after a bludgeoning.

4) UCLA: Needing to white knuckle it against the Buffaloes, in your own stadium, isn’t usually a positive indicator. And it isn’t for my rankings either. Especially considering the Bruins were dominated in pretty much every offensive category and in my opinion Ish Adams’ Pick Six should’ve been called back for a block in the back, but #Pac12Refs. It wasn’t, however, and the Bruins survive to maintain control of their own destiny in the South race. November means the annual hum of the fax machine in Jim Mora Jr.’s agent office becomes deafening as resumés are flung far and wide. Cue the coach to act indignant at answering job-opening questions his own camp is stirring up and you have the stage set for the final stretch of regular season games. Up next: The Bruins get a gimme tune-up scrimmage in Corvallis before a three-game stretch that will define their season.

5) tie – Kal: Things might be different for the Baby Bears had their defenders been able to keep their feet and tackle Tre Madden on 3rd and 1. But in reality, that’s what Kal has been all about since 1958 – what could have been. The Baby Bears showed a surprising toughness against the Trojan running attack on Saturday, but I’ve watched enough teams coached by Sonny Dykes (the coach, not the lesbian vacation getaway spot) to doubt it lasts. With Jared Goff suddenly looking human since the College Gameday visit to SLC, you have to wonder if that will significantly impact his draft stock and cause him to return for 2016. Yes, we’re talking next year already for Kal, because despite a game effort against the Trojans, the promise this year once held has been drained and likely will be stomped out by the remaining schedule. Up next: A 3 game skid might be 4 unless their defense can keep the relative mojo for a late-night start in Eugene.

5) tie – ASU: How do you rack up 700+ yards and still lose? To answer a question with a question: How do you run for over 340 yards against a whipped D and then throw not one, but TWO inside slants when you had 1st and goal at the 3? You’re the great big ball of confusion known as the 2015 Sun Devils, that’s how. A team that had some dark horse buzz for the CFB Playoffs, the 4-4 Devils are a major disappointment – they haven’t been able to put forth a consistent effort in any of the 3 phases and have yet to have all 3 show up in one game. Last time an ASU team blew a game late to Oregon, it ended up costing Bruce Snyder his job. Todd Graham is on solid ground, but the time to evaluate his staff and all-out gambling D has arrived. Up next: What could be more fun than a roadie to the Palouse in November? Everything up to and including a swift kick in the sack. Cougs have their kicking foot cocked and ready but will they push it wide right again?

5) tie – Oregon: The 11 guys running around (can’t really justify calling them a “defense”) trying to slow down ASU’s offense – to the tune of 742 yards – came up with a big interception at the end to seal the win, despite controversy and video evidence that was enough for almost everyone who was not a Pac 12 official to see the _ucks had not broken the tie in OT #3. Still, the game was a good glance at the playmaking abilities of Vernon Adams, who simply refused to go down and pulled off UO’s second Miracle in Tempe. If they can manage to supply the D for their moniker, the _ucks might be able to finish strong. Up next: Quackers host a spiraling Kal team for the inside track as the Pac 12 North Runner-up… Wait, is that a thing? No. No it isn’t.

5) tie –Wazzu: I’ve hammered the Cougs continuously for their lack of a running game, but their defensive showing against Stanford gives them enough dimension to climb out of the depths. IF they can sustain it. I don’t think they can, because I feel like the Stanford game was an Alamo Moment for their D. The fact the team managed to gag the lead away by throwing a pick in the waning minutes and then choked a fairly easy opportunity for the win at the end (if that sounds suspiciously like ASU’s game, there’s a reason they’re tied) won’t help. After a quick reference check for the term “finishing strong”, Wazzu was nowhere to be found. My prediction for them is a 4 game stretch filled with shootouts galore and, probably, heartache. Up next: Cougs host the blitz-happy Devils in a game that might take 5+ hours to decide. Take the over and a fair amount of caffeine if you’re desperate enough to watch this one.

9) Washington: I resisted the urge to overvalue the Huskies after they demolished a toothless Arizona team because they just haven’t shown enough consistency on either side of the ball to climb out of the Pac 12 sludge. Come to think of it, inconsistency is exactly what should lump UW in with the sink clog of teams at #5, but other than a SarkAfterDark gift, the Huskies don’t really have a win they can hang their helmets on. UW is one of the few squads that can really elevate their status in the closing weeks but Jake Browning might get beaten into oblivion by the next 2 defense he faces: Utah and ASU. I predict he will have a scorching case of the Thousand Yard Stare after those games. And he will have it on the sidelines. In street clothes. The Pac 12 is a cruel mistress to freshmen QBs with a crummy OL. Up next: The underdog Utes (really getting no respect on the road for a team that was #3 a couple weeks back) get first crack at Young Jake. Could be close if he finishes the game.
 
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