It's been a while since we've heard from our old friend, the soothsayer "Sparknac the Magnificent", the distant cousin of Johnny's Carnac the Magnificent. He has returned from his journeys back east and now finds himself in his new digs here on Rivals.
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ED: Greetings oh wise one! It has been too long!
SPARKNAC: Zim-zaladim old one whose breath would stun a yak. It has been many moons.
ED: It has indeed. It is good to see you again. How do you like your new surroundings?
SPARKNAC: Sparknac is pleased. It reminds him of the comfort of the far east.
ED: And how far east would that be?
SPARKNAC: Buffalo, New York
ED: And that was comfortable?
SPARKNAC: Not for Bobby Hurley it wasn't.
ED: I see. Well, I hold in my hands, the envelopes. As any child of four can plainly see, these envelopes have been hermetically sealed and kept in a mayonnaise jar on Funk and Wagnell's porch since noon today. No one....I mean NO ONE....knows the contents of these envelopes....but YOU....through your mystical and borderline divine ways will somehow ascertain the answers to these questions without ever having seen the question itself!
SPARKNAC: That's impossible!
ED: You've done it many times before.
SPARKNAC: Sparknac misses Buffalo, but he will give it his best try.
(holds envelope to head)
A pistol...malt liquor....Andrew Luck....and Rich Rodriguez
(Opens envelope)
"Name three 'Colts' and a 'dolt'"
Titanium alloys....gravity....Christina Hendricks's underwire....and Tucson' delusions of grandeur.....
"Name four of the strongest things on earth."
Bobby Hurley
"What did Bobby do after he drank a gallon of Jaeger and watched au's spring game?"
Ashley Furniture's home sale, House Democrats, and Sun Devil Stadium.
"Name three things that lost a lot of seats this last year."
Until he gets caught
"How long will Steve Sarkisian be USC's coach?"
Hollywood celebrities, The State Department, and Jim Mora
"Name three recent victims of 'hacking'."
The High Road
"What do you call a road trip to Boulder, Pullman, or Seattle?"
Full Moon
"What do you call it when Moe Latu moons you?"
AUDIENCE: BOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
SPARKNAC: May Sean Miller consider your season to be a total failure and ask rat fans on Twitter to root for your sister!
(Audience Laughter)
(Holds envelope to head)
Burnley, England
"What do au fans living in England do when they lose to Wisconsin?"
20,000 Leagues Beneath the Sea
"Where has Colorado finished every year since joining the Pac?"
ED: I hold in my hands....the LAST envelope
AUDIENCE: YAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!
SPARKNAC: May au's football team show off their Hard Edge around your cousin's bachelorette party.
(Audience laughter)
Little John's music style, a VHS copy of 'Gigli', and arguments that au will win the Pac in football.
"Give an example of 'Crunk', 'junk', and 'bunk'."
