The long awaited return of Sparknac the Magnificent, the distant cousin to Johnny Carson's Carnac the Magnificent has finally returned and given us his insights into the state of the ASU program and the college football landscape.
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ED: Greetings oh wise one. You've returned to grace us with your presence once more.
SPARKNAC: Zim zaladim. It has been many moons, suns, and various other meteorological conditions.
ED: Indeed it has. Where has Sparknac been?
SPARKNAC: Sparknac has been a spiritual journey through a portal. A portal of infinite dimensions. A portal that took him to five different colleges before the NCAA said no more.
ED: It sounds like quite the journey. I hold in my hands the envelopes. As any child of four can plainly see, these envelopes have been hermetically sealed and kept in a mayonnaise jar on Funk and Wagnell's porch since Noon today. No one....and I mean NO ONE (Sparknac wipes his eye from Ed's spatter) knows the contents of these envelopes...but YOU....through your mystical and borderline divine ways shall some how ascertain the answers to these questions without ever having read the question in the envelope itself.
SPARKNAC: That seems impossible.
ED: You've done it many times before.
SPARKNAC: Then I must have complete silence.
ED: You generally get it
(Sparknac gives a dirty look to Ed then holds the envelope to his head)
SPARKNAC: I hold the first envelope
ED: Hermetically sealed
SPARKNAC: That's correct
ED: Mayonnaise jar
SPARKNAC: You already said that
ED: Funk and Wagnell's porch... (Sparknac smacks Ed with the envelope)
SPARKNAC: N-I-L
(opens envelope)
SPARKNAC: How much of the alphabet does the average rat grad know?
(Laughter and great applause)
SPARKNAC: Sparknac's starting out strong.
(holds envelope to head)
SPARKNAC: Fifty million dollars paid by ESPN
(opens envelope)
SPARKNAC: What did Larry Scott want for the putt putt course in his backyard?
(opens envelope)
SPARKNAC: Dilly Dilly
(opens envelope)
SPARKNAC: How does a guy who stutters call for his dog named Dilly?
(Audience laughs then boos)
SPARKNAC: May Jayden Daniels transfer to your sister's apartment.
(Audience laughs...Sparknac holds envelope to his head)
SPARKNAC: Dr. Frasier Crane and Jayden De Laura
(Opens envelope)
SPARKNAC: Name a "therapist" and "the rapist"
AUDIENCE: Oooooooooohhhhhhh
SPARKNAC: Sparknac's getting edgier. (Holds next envelope to his head) Gilligan, Tom Hanks, Oregon State, and Washington State
(Audience preemptively starts laughing)
SPARKNAC: Don't get ahead of Sparknac (opens envelope). Name four "castaways"
ED: HA HA HA HA....Heeeeeyooooo!!
SPARKNAC: The Big-XII, The Big-10, and the Big East
(Opens Envelope)
SPARKNAC: Name two conferences consisting of 64 different teams
SPARKNAC: Arizona State
(Opens Envelope)
SPARKNAC: Name a team that will be without a Bohle and Bowl this year.
AUDIENCE: BOOOOOOOOOO!!!
SPARKNAC: Perhaps Sparknac should've stayed in the portal. (holds envelope to head) PrimeTime
(Opens Envelope)
SPARKNAC: What does the Pac-12 Network call 12 AM Eastern?
ED: I hold in my hand...the last envelope!
(Audience wildly cheers. Sparknac gives them a dirty look)
SPARKNAC: May Michael Crow negotiate the TV rights to your kids' soccer game. (Holds envelope to head) A valet, a blind person, and Ray Anderson
(Opens Envelope)
SPARKNAC: Name three people who need to be shown the door.
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ED: Greetings oh wise one. You've returned to grace us with your presence once more.
SPARKNAC: Zim zaladim. It has been many moons, suns, and various other meteorological conditions.
ED: Indeed it has. Where has Sparknac been?
SPARKNAC: Sparknac has been a spiritual journey through a portal. A portal of infinite dimensions. A portal that took him to five different colleges before the NCAA said no more.
ED: It sounds like quite the journey. I hold in my hands the envelopes. As any child of four can plainly see, these envelopes have been hermetically sealed and kept in a mayonnaise jar on Funk and Wagnell's porch since Noon today. No one....and I mean NO ONE (Sparknac wipes his eye from Ed's spatter) knows the contents of these envelopes...but YOU....through your mystical and borderline divine ways shall some how ascertain the answers to these questions without ever having read the question in the envelope itself.
SPARKNAC: That seems impossible.
ED: You've done it many times before.
SPARKNAC: Then I must have complete silence.
ED: You generally get it
(Sparknac gives a dirty look to Ed then holds the envelope to his head)
SPARKNAC: I hold the first envelope
ED: Hermetically sealed
SPARKNAC: That's correct
ED: Mayonnaise jar
SPARKNAC: You already said that
ED: Funk and Wagnell's porch... (Sparknac smacks Ed with the envelope)
SPARKNAC: N-I-L
(opens envelope)
SPARKNAC: How much of the alphabet does the average rat grad know?
(Laughter and great applause)
SPARKNAC: Sparknac's starting out strong.
(holds envelope to head)
SPARKNAC: Fifty million dollars paid by ESPN
(opens envelope)
SPARKNAC: What did Larry Scott want for the putt putt course in his backyard?
(opens envelope)
SPARKNAC: Dilly Dilly
(opens envelope)
SPARKNAC: How does a guy who stutters call for his dog named Dilly?
(Audience laughs then boos)
SPARKNAC: May Jayden Daniels transfer to your sister's apartment.
(Audience laughs...Sparknac holds envelope to his head)
SPARKNAC: Dr. Frasier Crane and Jayden De Laura
(Opens envelope)
SPARKNAC: Name a "therapist" and "the rapist"
AUDIENCE: Oooooooooohhhhhhh
SPARKNAC: Sparknac's getting edgier. (Holds next envelope to his head) Gilligan, Tom Hanks, Oregon State, and Washington State
(Audience preemptively starts laughing)
SPARKNAC: Don't get ahead of Sparknac (opens envelope). Name four "castaways"
ED: HA HA HA HA....Heeeeeyooooo!!
SPARKNAC: The Big-XII, The Big-10, and the Big East
(Opens Envelope)
SPARKNAC: Name two conferences consisting of 64 different teams
SPARKNAC: Arizona State
(Opens Envelope)
SPARKNAC: Name a team that will be without a Bohle and Bowl this year.
AUDIENCE: BOOOOOOOOOO!!!
SPARKNAC: Perhaps Sparknac should've stayed in the portal. (holds envelope to head) PrimeTime
(Opens Envelope)
SPARKNAC: What does the Pac-12 Network call 12 AM Eastern?
ED: I hold in my hand...the last envelope!
(Audience wildly cheers. Sparknac gives them a dirty look)
SPARKNAC: May Michael Crow negotiate the TV rights to your kids' soccer game. (Holds envelope to head) A valet, a blind person, and Ray Anderson
(Opens Envelope)
SPARKNAC: Name three people who need to be shown the door.
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